I've been pretty decent at controlling my anger and finding a chill zone this past week. I've been really body-positive, relaxed, and able to laugh at everything. But I don't know...something clicked this weekend.
I've been feeling so angry about everything. All the bad things that happened last year are starting to come back into my memory. I'm trying to talk myself down, but all I can think about is taking pictures of certain people, taping them to people-targets at a shooting range and firing until the gun clicks.
I avoid confrontation on an obsessive level because I am completely and totally afraid of the capacity of my anger. When I think about certain encounters or things that have been said to me, I clench my teeth, pound my fists, and have the urge to burn everything in sight to the ground. Everyone laughs at me when I tell them I want them to join me in my anarchist separatist commune, but they shouldn't. They should know that under my sheepish smile, I'm dead serious. I need some time away from everything.
As for right now, I'm dealing well with my combat boots and playing 'Jagged Little Pill' on repeat. But I'm craving for someone, just one fucking person to give me a reason to flip. But as I've learned from peers, most people here are afraid of 'the angry looking chick with the red fro'. I'm gonna take a guess here and assume that things are going to be a lot better once I'm out of here. I know the 'real world' isn't going to be easy, but at least it wont be like the suffocating little bubble.
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