Musings.

I don't know why, but during my just-thinking times (trying to fall asleep, showering, walking to class, etc.) all I can think about are the nuances of my senior seminar paper and how much I just want to go back to my room and write.
But then when I get the chance, I avoid it at all costs. My first full draft is due tomorrow at noon and I'm still only a little over half way done. I know it's not a huge deal that shit needs to be perfect, but still.

I'm also feeling a surge of empowerment and positive anger inside me. I've given up my ultra-consumerist, slave to fashion lifestyle and find myself much more happy. I'm dressing more masculine, limiting the frills, and walking with purpose. I find myself wanting to challenge things again; to stir shit up. I find myself harboring such disgust for people here, and dreaming of better places. I'm so happy that I celebrate my diversity and don't feel the need to be the same brunette-pearl earrings-north face jacket-leggings as pants-ugg boots-vera bradley bag as everyone else, but still, I find people snickering and sneering at my unmade-up face, thrift store clothing, and mostly my hair. I want to yell "EXCUSE ME for not comforming to your fascist beauty standards. Yes, my hair is natural like this and I like that. I'm actively breaking down the elements of colonization inside of me. I know you know nothing about that since you are a rich white girl from Connecticut, but maybe you could realize that we are adults here and making fun of someone because they are different in ways they cant change is pretty fucking childish.
But it's not all bad. I feel a sense of salvation discussing queer theory and gender roles with Becky/Kelly/Bailey/Tearsa/Dr. Demary. But then I hear another person talking about how they refused participating in his roommate's sex romp with drunk freshman girls because he felt 'under the weather'. And then I want to punch. Everything.
I want to participate in experiments. Like, for a year only reading books by women and music by women. I don't even watch the news anymore; I read Feministing. I want to write papers about people of color in anarchist movements (if there are any still around). I want to transcend certain gender roles in public places and analyze people's reactions. I crave social deviance. I want to yell and stomp my feet and scream I MATTER. I want to hold every young girl in this country and tell them about Victoria Woodhull and Sojourner Truth and how much more amazing they are than Miley Cyrus and all those other girls on magazine covers. How Ani Difranco has your back, not Rhianna. How 'Full Frontal Feminism' is a better read than 'Twilight'. That things always get better. That your uterus belongs to you, not the state.

And how if you don't finish your senior seminar paper you wont graduate in December.