Oh, hey!

I'm always so envious of other people's blogs. So you think that the cure for that would be keeping up on my own shit, but that would make sense. Which is apparently not my style.

So it's summer, the very middle of it. And for the first time in 16 years, I'm not dreading for it to come to an end. I aint got no schoolin in September. I'm still adjusting to that. No reason to buy a shiny new notepad and a fistful of colorful pens and matching folders. No new text books to crack open and explore. And no Blough-Weis library to hide away in after dinner. I just have to manage one year of this, and then if all goes as planned, I'll have school every September for the rest of my life <3 (Yes, I'm a sick, sick person).

I'm in a really, really good place now. I'm learning to cut myself some slack, accept who I am, and dwell on the good rather than the bad. I've made a lot of progress in dealing with my 'why-does-everyone-leave-me/why-am-I-not-good-enough' issues, although I do still have some dark days. But luckily, those days are dwindling into mere moments which can easily be shaken off by a good book (I'm really into Margaret Atwood as of late), a walk outside, or a solo dance party.

Small wonders really rock my socks off. Cody and I went on a nature walk two weeks ago. I spotted thousands of wild blueberry bushes, the largest accumulation of mountain laurel I'd ever seen in one place, and two butterflies mating on a leafy shrub. It blew my mind apart.

I'm trying to be more peaceful. Peace brings hope and positive thinking, which, although sounding terrible hokey, are the main ingredients I need in my life. And when I think about it, what's not to be positive about? I'm young and loved, healthy, curious, and in ten years I'll most likely be a wife, a mom, and a PhD. Fuckin' high fives all around, bro.

Maybe someday I'll write something substantive in here, other than just "I feel this" and "Here's some detailed information about my personal life, potential employers" but for now, I guess y'all with have to deal with my solipsistic attempts at pith and whimsy.

'Fro hatred.

So I know that being teased is part of life.
We've been conditioned to put others down in order to build ourselves up. We tease to create a separation from others and create an individual of ourselves.
But my being teased is really starting to weigh on me.

I mean, I was tortured and ridiculed by many in high school for one thing another; being biracial, being a liberal, being a feminist, being a good girl, whatever. It was terrible, but I got through it. But ever since I took the relaxer out of my hair and let it be round and curly, I've entered a kind of surreal hell. It's nicely countered by a decent amount of compliments and recognition, but still the taunting continues.
I get yelled at from people driving by, by girls walking behind me at Target ("what the fuck is with her head? that shit is nasty. laughter, laughter"; this was said loudly), by freshmen slacking off in a group project (he meant to send a text about me to his friend but accidentally sent it to me; "her hair looks like my armpit...doesn't she own a brush?) and most recently, by some 13-14 year old kid at Dunkin Donuts last night (I was standing at the counter waiting for my food, when he approached me and without hesitation asked and snickered "bad hair day?"). Gladly, my bearded boyfriend was with me and made sure to put him in his place.
And this is only a small fraction of incidents.

What is it about unrelaxed hair that drives people crazy? Is it because I refuse to colonize myself, to make their life easier by covering mine up? Because as far as I'm concerned, my curly hair does not infringe on their lives, their rights, or their anything. I feel bad for these people who clearly have never met anyone who isn't like them in every way. And its fine if people don't like my style choices. That's understandable. But the fact that they feel compelled to belittle someone (to their face) who they have never even met or talked to is beyond my comprehension. Yeah, I think your combover isn't fooling anyone, but I would never tap you on the shoulder and say that to you. Because its rude, its none of my business,and I don't know what your insides say.

I've gotten so angry over it that I have been considering carrying a weapon. Me. A peacenik who hates confrontation. I dream of pivoting around and staring the bastards down, then brandishing a knife and screaming. It'd be nice to watch them wet themselves as they run away in fear. Man, that's intensely hostile. And that's not me. But these perpetual, almost daily insults are pushing me to a new low.

When did asshole become the new black? When will people leave middle school taunts in middle school playgrounds? When will these idiots learn to spot enlightenment when they see it?

The End.

In exactly one week, I'll be moved out of school. Finished with my undergraduate education.

I went to my favorite Susquehanna tradition tonight, Christmas Candlelight Service. Personal feelings about Christianity aside, the candlelight service is a night when I feel the most connected to my campus and myself. It always ends with "O Little Town of Bethlehem" sung while the audience holds candles; the house lights completely off. As the song ended and Chaplain Radecke sent us out into the cold night, I blew out my candle. How symbolic, I thought. The flame that was my 3.5 years here is extinguished.
A lot of shit has gone down here. Both good and bad. But the good has been so very, very, very good. I will miss the fellowship here. I look forward to going to a large research university for graduate school, but there will be a very empty part of me that longs for the smallness of SU. I would love to teach at a place like this. Well, more diverse and with a larger array of majors, but still small enough to know everyone by name.
I also realized tonight that sometime in the future, President Lemons won't be President anymore. THAT'S SO GROSS. I hope he stays forever and pulls a Blessing. Speaking of, I'm going to miss the professors here SO MUCH. They've all played such an influential part in my development; much more than my peers. I hope they all know just how wonderful, insightful, and caring they are.
Maybe someday I'll weirdly be wealthy and I promise I will donate a shit-ton of money. It will go towards building a mosque, gender neutral housing, an expansion of the Women's Studies Program, endowments and grants for serious student research, and of course, a James Blessing Political Science Seminar Room where all kinds of good shit (i.e. movie screenings, discussions, fancy speakers, simulations, etc.) will take place. With leather couches. And a candy bowl that is perpetually filled with Vanilla Midgies.

I love you, Susquehanna. And I'll miss you.

Wednesday afternoon.

I still feel so angry.
And today, I'm exhausted. Don't really know why, but I hope I'm not getting sick.
I think I'm just getting fatigued with this place. I owe so much money in bullshit fines, am feeling insecure about my lack of job offers, and I feel creatively stunted. I've tried to take up so many different crafts, but I always get frustrated and give up. I need a constructive way to channel my anger and I'm having trouble finding one. I don't have enough money to go buy more crafting materials. I can only knit so many scarves. I don't have my guitars here, and I don't like playing Cody's when he's home because I'm always reminded at much more prolific and emotionally freer he is than me. I really want to write, but when I do, I feel like I say the same things over and over again: take, for instance, this blog. I always want to write about feminism, gender identity, what it means to be biracial, all that good stuff. But instead, I just drone on and on about how I don't have a job and how much I hate everything. I'm starting to sicken myself again.

I have exactly one month until I graduate.

I did some networking with DC alumni last night. It was nice, but almost everyone was accounting or business, so they really couldn't help me out. I met a wonderful gal who works at the National Archives and has a friend who is a lobbyist. Both would be fine, so I hope I hear back from her soon.

I didn't realize just how small my bank account is until this morning. As much as I hate money, I'm scared shitless that I'll be starting out on my own with so little money. Again, I have a great support system that will help me out, but I NEED INCOME. I know I have so much to offer; I'm practically crawling out of my skin. But the people on the other end of the email probably can't notice that.

I'm so tired.

Things I Want to Learn.

-to crochet
-bake a pie from scratch
-grow a garden
-cooking in general
-knit socks
-yoga
-how to cultivate my owl collection
-freeganism
-when I'll get a job

Trying to Harness.

I've been pretty decent at controlling my anger and finding a chill zone this past week. I've been really body-positive, relaxed, and able to laugh at everything. But I don't know...something clicked this weekend.
I've been feeling so angry about everything. All the bad things that happened last year are starting to come back into my memory. I'm trying to talk myself down, but all I can think about is taking pictures of certain people, taping them to people-targets at a shooting range and firing until the gun clicks.
I avoid confrontation on an obsessive level because I am completely and totally afraid of the capacity of my anger. When I think about certain encounters or things that have been said to me, I clench my teeth, pound my fists, and have the urge to burn everything in sight to the ground. Everyone laughs at me when I tell them I want them to join me in my anarchist separatist commune, but they shouldn't. They should know that under my sheepish smile, I'm dead serious. I need some time away from everything.
As for right now, I'm dealing well with my combat boots and playing 'Jagged Little Pill' on repeat. But I'm craving for someone, just one fucking person to give me a reason to flip. But as I've learned from peers, most people here are afraid of 'the angry looking chick with the red fro'. I'm gonna take a guess here and assume that things are going to be a lot better once I'm out of here. I know the 'real world' isn't going to be easy, but at least it wont be like the suffocating little bubble.

Just to preface this, I'm drunk

I said
FUCK YOU FLO RIDA
and decided to eat Annie's Organic White Cheddar Bunnies, drink gin, and listen to Ani Difranco.

I feel bad for saying those judgmental things about TYPICAL GIRLS in my last post. Theyt're just figuring out shit too. I just have some class issues that I need to work out. Lets be friends.

I REALLY MISS THE DAYS WHEN I WORE HIPPIE SKIRTS, LISTENED TO NOTHING BUT ANI DIFRANCO AND READ BELL HOOKS.

I really fucking 32 flavors and then some.. She fucking changed my life and I know that's trite to say, but it's true. I saw her in concert for the first time in 2004 and I fucking died.


DEAD.



I WANT MY PERIOD TO COINCIDE WITH THE MOON.



I want to hug Kathleen Hanna and not feel scared when I walk home alone at night because I was born with a beautiful cunt that men want to destroy.


I wish girls here felt the same way. I wish I felt a sense of community rather than a sense of competition and snide remarks.
Stop celebrating your bulimia. Stop thinking you're so important. Stop calling everyone else fat. no matter how many times youn call someone fat its not going to make you skinnier.


I HAVE THE DUNK HICCUPS.


I want to start a feminist separatist state where only men like George, Erich, and Cody can be members. I want to feel a real community. I want to know I'm not just a caricature in people's peripheral vision.


SLEEP PLZ.