I said
FUCK YOU FLO RIDA
and decided to eat Annie's Organic White Cheddar Bunnies, drink gin, and listen to Ani Difranco.
I feel bad for saying those judgmental things about TYPICAL GIRLS in my last post. Theyt're just figuring out shit too. I just have some class issues that I need to work out. Lets be friends.
I REALLY MISS THE DAYS WHEN I WORE HIPPIE SKIRTS, LISTENED TO NOTHING BUT ANI DIFRANCO AND READ BELL HOOKS.
I really fucking 32 flavors and then some.. She fucking changed my life and I know that's trite to say, but it's true. I saw her in concert for the first time in 2004 and I fucking died.
DEAD.
I WANT MY PERIOD TO COINCIDE WITH THE MOON.
I want to hug Kathleen Hanna and not feel scared when I walk home alone at night because I was born with a beautiful cunt that men want to destroy.
I wish girls here felt the same way. I wish I felt a sense of community rather than a sense of competition and snide remarks.
Stop celebrating your bulimia. Stop thinking you're so important. Stop calling everyone else fat. no matter how many times youn call someone fat its not going to make you skinnier.
I HAVE THE DUNK HICCUPS.
I want to start a feminist separatist state where only men like George, Erich, and Cody can be members. I want to feel a real community. I want to know I'm not just a caricature in people's peripheral vision.
SLEEP PLZ.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Musings.
I don't know why, but during my just-thinking times (trying to fall asleep, showering, walking to class, etc.) all I can think about are the nuances of my senior seminar paper and how much I just want to go back to my room and write.
But then when I get the chance, I avoid it at all costs. My first full draft is due tomorrow at noon and I'm still only a little over half way done. I know it's not a huge deal that shit needs to be perfect, but still.
I'm also feeling a surge of empowerment and positive anger inside me. I've given up my ultra-consumerist, slave to fashion lifestyle and find myself much more happy. I'm dressing more masculine, limiting the frills, and walking with purpose. I find myself wanting to challenge things again; to stir shit up. I find myself harboring such disgust for people here, and dreaming of better places. I'm so happy that I celebrate my diversity and don't feel the need to be the same brunette-pearl earrings-north face jacket-leggings as pants-ugg boots-vera bradley bag as everyone else, but still, I find people snickering and sneering at my unmade-up face, thrift store clothing, and mostly my hair. I want to yell "EXCUSE ME for not comforming to your fascist beauty standards. Yes, my hair is natural like this and I like that. I'm actively breaking down the elements of colonization inside of me. I know you know nothing about that since you are a rich white girl from Connecticut, but maybe you could realize that we are adults here and making fun of someone because they are different in ways they cant change is pretty fucking childish.
But it's not all bad. I feel a sense of salvation discussing queer theory and gender roles with Becky/Kelly/Bailey/Tearsa/Dr. Demary. But then I hear another person talking about how they refused participating in his roommate's sex romp with drunk freshman girls because he felt 'under the weather'. And then I want to punch. Everything.
I want to participate in experiments. Like, for a year only reading books by women and music by women. I don't even watch the news anymore; I read Feministing. I want to write papers about people of color in anarchist movements (if there are any still around). I want to transcend certain gender roles in public places and analyze people's reactions. I crave social deviance. I want to yell and stomp my feet and scream I MATTER. I want to hold every young girl in this country and tell them about Victoria Woodhull and Sojourner Truth and how much more amazing they are than Miley Cyrus and all those other girls on magazine covers. How Ani Difranco has your back, not Rhianna. How 'Full Frontal Feminism' is a better read than 'Twilight'. That things always get better. That your uterus belongs to you, not the state.
And how if you don't finish your senior seminar paper you wont graduate in December.
But then when I get the chance, I avoid it at all costs. My first full draft is due tomorrow at noon and I'm still only a little over half way done. I know it's not a huge deal that shit needs to be perfect, but still.
I'm also feeling a surge of empowerment and positive anger inside me. I've given up my ultra-consumerist, slave to fashion lifestyle and find myself much more happy. I'm dressing more masculine, limiting the frills, and walking with purpose. I find myself wanting to challenge things again; to stir shit up. I find myself harboring such disgust for people here, and dreaming of better places. I'm so happy that I celebrate my diversity and don't feel the need to be the same brunette-pearl earrings-north face jacket-leggings as pants-ugg boots-vera bradley bag as everyone else, but still, I find people snickering and sneering at my unmade-up face, thrift store clothing, and mostly my hair. I want to yell "EXCUSE ME for not comforming to your fascist beauty standards. Yes, my hair is natural like this and I like that. I'm actively breaking down the elements of colonization inside of me. I know you know nothing about that since you are a rich white girl from Connecticut, but maybe you could realize that we are adults here and making fun of someone because they are different in ways they cant change is pretty fucking childish.
But it's not all bad. I feel a sense of salvation discussing queer theory and gender roles with Becky/Kelly/Bailey/Tearsa/Dr. Demary. But then I hear another person talking about how they refused participating in his roommate's sex romp with drunk freshman girls because he felt 'under the weather'. And then I want to punch. Everything.
I want to participate in experiments. Like, for a year only reading books by women and music by women. I don't even watch the news anymore; I read Feministing. I want to write papers about people of color in anarchist movements (if there are any still around). I want to transcend certain gender roles in public places and analyze people's reactions. I crave social deviance. I want to yell and stomp my feet and scream I MATTER. I want to hold every young girl in this country and tell them about Victoria Woodhull and Sojourner Truth and how much more amazing they are than Miley Cyrus and all those other girls on magazine covers. How Ani Difranco has your back, not Rhianna. How 'Full Frontal Feminism' is a better read than 'Twilight'. That things always get better. That your uterus belongs to you, not the state.
And how if you don't finish your senior seminar paper you wont graduate in December.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Stolen from Nomy Lamm
In an attempt to procrastinate but still cultivate my intellect, I am going to repost this quiz "Character Development" which I straight up stole from Nomy Lamm's website.
where were you born?
johnstown, pa.
who do you love?
my mom, cody, and the nonbiofam i have created in 21 years.
did you have a cat when you were little?
no, but i got a puppy for christmas in first grade.
who hurt you biggest?
this is a tie between my father and my first ex-boyfriend.
how did you stay alive?
by knowing that time heals all.
what color are your eyes?
hazel.
what color is your aura?
i've never asked.
what color is your underwear?
purple with maroon and coral polka-dots.
how many people have you abandoned?
none that i'm aware of.
what’s your favorite food?
tiramisu.
did you like school?
high school was a horrific nightmare that couldn't have ended sooner. college has been great academically, but less than average in social aspects.
do you want more?
absolutely. i think i was made for graduate study.
what does it mean to be in love?
to feel connected; lifted. to have someone who loves you for everything you are, good and bad. someone who is always in your corner.
do you believe in magic?
in a young girl's heart?
do people think you’re crazy?
yep.
are you?
yep.
how old were you when you realized you’re all alone?
14. my adolescence was a little rocky.
how old were you when you realized you’re not alone?
20
how do you wield power?
being confident in myself. holding my head high. wit.
what’s your favorite outfit?
cody's t-shirt, my dad's old silk vest, skinny jeans, toms.
what helps you sleep?
remembering all the people i love.
what flavors make you gag?
black licorice; fresh tomatoes; perfume (when you spray too much and it gets all up in your mouth)
do you feel beautiful?
for the first time ever, absolutely
are you afraid of the dark?
yes.
do you believe in reincarnation?
i'd like to. but i'm more in support of a heaven filled with john coltrane's music, coffee, and a female God.
BACK TO SENIOR SEMMMMMM.
where were you born?
johnstown, pa.
who do you love?
my mom, cody, and the nonbiofam i have created in 21 years.
did you have a cat when you were little?
no, but i got a puppy for christmas in first grade.
who hurt you biggest?
this is a tie between my father and my first ex-boyfriend.
how did you stay alive?
by knowing that time heals all.
what color are your eyes?
hazel.
what color is your aura?
i've never asked.
what color is your underwear?
purple with maroon and coral polka-dots.
how many people have you abandoned?
none that i'm aware of.
what’s your favorite food?
tiramisu.
did you like school?
high school was a horrific nightmare that couldn't have ended sooner. college has been great academically, but less than average in social aspects.
do you want more?
absolutely. i think i was made for graduate study.
what does it mean to be in love?
to feel connected; lifted. to have someone who loves you for everything you are, good and bad. someone who is always in your corner.
do you believe in magic?
in a young girl's heart?
do people think you’re crazy?
yep.
are you?
yep.
how old were you when you realized you’re all alone?
14. my adolescence was a little rocky.
how old were you when you realized you’re not alone?
20
how do you wield power?
being confident in myself. holding my head high. wit.
what’s your favorite outfit?
cody's t-shirt, my dad's old silk vest, skinny jeans, toms.
what helps you sleep?
remembering all the people i love.
what flavors make you gag?
black licorice; fresh tomatoes; perfume (when you spray too much and it gets all up in your mouth)
do you feel beautiful?
for the first time ever, absolutely
are you afraid of the dark?
yes.
do you believe in reincarnation?
i'd like to. but i'm more in support of a heaven filled with john coltrane's music, coffee, and a female God.
BACK TO SENIOR SEMMMMMM.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
ANGGEERRRRR
So, I've been fuming/questioning/self-enlightening/rioting lately about all sorts of different topics. I've had somewhat of a rebirth over the past two months that has reinvigorated my will to live and my will to fight. So, I'm going to blog about them. Because even if no one else cares, I care.
Today's Anger Segment goes to:
GLENN BECK
No surprise, right?
Well, this evening in the cafeteria, I was entertained by the incessant blathering of one Glenn Beck on the television screens. We have lobbied the caf to change the channel to something more neutral, but they refuse. Anyways, Glenny-boy is still suffering from Jon Stewart's Rally to Restore Sanity, which was an obvious thumbing-of-noses at his Rally to Restore Honor, tea-partiers, and Fox News in general. I heard a piece he did on a "reporter" who went to the rally to ask a specific question to the participants. The question was this: Is Obama Keynesian?
Ok, so, obviously this was a deliberate way to make people think Keynesian means Kenyan.
Dick move for 3 main (and a trillion additional) reasons:
-I'm pretty sure that the only people who are aware of John Maynard Keynes, let alone Keynesian economics, are people who have college degrees and have studied political science or economics.
-It's not wrong in assuming that a reporter would be asking about/mispelling 'Kenyan' because of the precedence set by conservatives/tea partiers in being historically inaccurate, factually wrong, and lacking in the skill of spelling.
-Keynesian economics is a pretty practical and well-known and was practiced heavily by GEORGE W. BUSH.
Of course, Beck used this footage to say that the left and all fans of Stewart are stupid and stoned. What a fucking jackass. Your fans have cited you are a reason why they engage in terrorist-like violence, in completely misunderstanding government and American history, and having no concept of what actual 'news' is.
You are a fraud. You are a hate monger. Shut the hell up.
Today's Anger Segment goes to:
GLENN BECK
No surprise, right?
Well, this evening in the cafeteria, I was entertained by the incessant blathering of one Glenn Beck on the television screens. We have lobbied the caf to change the channel to something more neutral, but they refuse. Anyways, Glenny-boy is still suffering from Jon Stewart's Rally to Restore Sanity, which was an obvious thumbing-of-noses at his Rally to Restore Honor, tea-partiers, and Fox News in general. I heard a piece he did on a "reporter" who went to the rally to ask a specific question to the participants. The question was this: Is Obama Keynesian?
Ok, so, obviously this was a deliberate way to make people think Keynesian means Kenyan.
Dick move for 3 main (and a trillion additional) reasons:
-I'm pretty sure that the only people who are aware of John Maynard Keynes, let alone Keynesian economics, are people who have college degrees and have studied political science or economics.
-It's not wrong in assuming that a reporter would be asking about/mispelling 'Kenyan' because of the precedence set by conservatives/tea partiers in being historically inaccurate, factually wrong, and lacking in the skill of spelling.
-Keynesian economics is a pretty practical and well-known and was practiced heavily by GEORGE W. BUSH.
Of course, Beck used this footage to say that the left and all fans of Stewart are stupid and stoned. What a fucking jackass. Your fans have cited you are a reason why they engage in terrorist-like violence, in completely misunderstanding government and American history, and having no concept of what actual 'news' is.
You are a fraud. You are a hate monger. Shut the hell up.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Angry.
So I've been feeling a bit depressed lately.
Not the usual depression that plagued me for...forever.
But more of a pissed off depression.
Now, I've always been a jaded 20-something liberal (even in 4th grade I wrote essays about how feminism was a useful critique of society; as you can guess, I didn't have many friends). But lately, my disillusionment has been reaching terrifying levels.
I've been doing serious research into urban and sub-urban communes. I want to participate in Buy Nothing Day (November 26th, y'all). I want to sell all my clothes and use my money to buy a gas mask and tons of anarchist posters/stickers to tag the academic buildings with. WHY IS NO ONE ELSE HERE OUTRAGED.
The rampant consumerism had me fooled for so long. But I refuse to let my shit own me. I'm done with crying and stressing over money. I realize that I need to be financially secure in order to live a normal life in this fucked up society, but I don't understand why it needs to run my whole life. I can't take it with my once I die. My obituary wont feature my bank balance. How can I be a catalyst of true social change if I'm constantly counting pennies, investing, budgeting, scrimping. I don't want or need some obnoxious McMansion or a fancy car. I need fucking enlightenment.
I've been reading a lot about the history and schools of thought within anarchy. It's fascinating. Yes, I have some issues with it. No, it's not perfect. But no system of government/economy (or lack thereof) is perfect. And I think nimrods are finally starting to find that out about Capitalism. But I can't stand McDonalds-this, Revlon-that, buybuybuybuybuybuy this cologne and you'll fuck all the nameless, opinionless, emaciated women in the world! Fuck that shit. I'd rather riot than diet. Why do we care more about Britney Spears than Emma Goldman? Why does half the country lack a basic understanding of civics and political theory (i.e. what socialism actually is, how the three branches of government work, how to fucking read a book)? Do I have to get a reality show in MTV in order to tell people the truth?
And with the coming elections, it seems as though Republicans will be back in power. And then what will we be left with? A nation of God-fearing, pregnant nationalists who feel it's their duty to populate the homeland, pass on traditions, how to get ahead religions, and prosperity via simpleton culture. Like NoFX said, the idiots are taking over.
Sigh.
I just want to marry Cody, buy a farmhouse on some property outside of a city, have a garden and an orchard, teach political theory/feminist studies/white privilege at a respected university, start a community center that focuses on education and social reform for at-risk youths, have 1 or 2 beautiful children that I will raise to be fair-minded activists, publish a few books; essentially having a full but love-filled life. I'm so angry and don't know where to start...hopefully I'll find/grab hold of those opportunities in the coming years.
Not the usual depression that plagued me for...forever.
But more of a pissed off depression.
Now, I've always been a jaded 20-something liberal (even in 4th grade I wrote essays about how feminism was a useful critique of society; as you can guess, I didn't have many friends). But lately, my disillusionment has been reaching terrifying levels.
I've been doing serious research into urban and sub-urban communes. I want to participate in Buy Nothing Day (November 26th, y'all). I want to sell all my clothes and use my money to buy a gas mask and tons of anarchist posters/stickers to tag the academic buildings with. WHY IS NO ONE ELSE HERE OUTRAGED.
The rampant consumerism had me fooled for so long. But I refuse to let my shit own me. I'm done with crying and stressing over money. I realize that I need to be financially secure in order to live a normal life in this fucked up society, but I don't understand why it needs to run my whole life. I can't take it with my once I die. My obituary wont feature my bank balance. How can I be a catalyst of true social change if I'm constantly counting pennies, investing, budgeting, scrimping. I don't want or need some obnoxious McMansion or a fancy car. I need fucking enlightenment.
I've been reading a lot about the history and schools of thought within anarchy. It's fascinating. Yes, I have some issues with it. No, it's not perfect. But no system of government/economy (or lack thereof) is perfect. And I think nimrods are finally starting to find that out about Capitalism. But I can't stand McDonalds-this, Revlon-that, buybuybuybuybuybuy this cologne and you'll fuck all the nameless, opinionless, emaciated women in the world! Fuck that shit. I'd rather riot than diet. Why do we care more about Britney Spears than Emma Goldman? Why does half the country lack a basic understanding of civics and political theory (i.e. what socialism actually is, how the three branches of government work, how to fucking read a book)? Do I have to get a reality show in MTV in order to tell people the truth?
And with the coming elections, it seems as though Republicans will be back in power. And then what will we be left with? A nation of God-fearing, pregnant nationalists who feel it's their duty to populate the homeland, pass on traditions, how to get ahead religions, and prosperity via simpleton culture. Like NoFX said, the idiots are taking over.
Sigh.
I just want to marry Cody, buy a farmhouse on some property outside of a city, have a garden and an orchard, teach political theory/feminist studies/white privilege at a respected university, start a community center that focuses on education and social reform for at-risk youths, have 1 or 2 beautiful children that I will raise to be fair-minded activists, publish a few books; essentially having a full but love-filled life. I'm so angry and don't know where to start...hopefully I'll find/grab hold of those opportunities in the coming years.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Update.
I have a trillion zillion thoughts racing through my brain everyday and always think: I need to blog about this. And then I don't. And then months go by without a post. Perhaps this is because whenever I sign on to write something, I realize that no one reads this and therefore there is no point to posting.
But in the off-chance someone cares, here it goes.
Things continue to go very well. I got to have dinner with Angela Davis (at her damn table) and then at her lecture, she called me out by name. So I can die happy. She was totally elegant and soft-spoken, different from what I assumed to be a brash radical. Nope. She was very interested in learning about me, my passions, and my goals. I enjoyed earnest conversation with her and President/Marsha Lemons, and feel like this final semester is the best I could've asked for.
My depression seems to have lifted, so I'm able to reconnect with lost friends and truly enjoy life. Sure, things are stressful since I'm graduating in two months without any idea as to where I'm going to live/what I'm going to do, but for the first time since I was 9, I am able to be present and enjoy today. Drama exists within my sphere of friendships, but I'm able to exist outside of it. I can maintain a fun-loving friendship without having to feel that everyone's problems are mine to fix.
Cody remains AWESOME and I'm not sure what I would do without him. He is always in my corner, through thick and thin, through right and wrong. I know I can always count on him for an honest opinion or a kind word. He's really unlike any other man I've met, and I feel eternally luck to have him.
Did I mention I had dinner with goddamned Angela Davis?!
I still haven't finished my research design; I keep freaking out and changing every little detail and I know Dr. Demary is concerned. But I don't turn in crap. I always meet deadlines and generally get good grades (except for statsssssss) so I know things will be fine. I like that this paper is making me think through all the tendrils of feminist thought, thus forcing me to grow as a scholar and a feminist. I just hope I get good marks!
That's really all for now. I wanted to finish my research design tonight but I think I'm getting sick and I just want to make love to my bed right now. Can someone else come and finish it for me? I'll give you hugs in return.
But in the off-chance someone cares, here it goes.
Things continue to go very well. I got to have dinner with Angela Davis (at her damn table) and then at her lecture, she called me out by name. So I can die happy. She was totally elegant and soft-spoken, different from what I assumed to be a brash radical. Nope. She was very interested in learning about me, my passions, and my goals. I enjoyed earnest conversation with her and President/Marsha Lemons, and feel like this final semester is the best I could've asked for.
My depression seems to have lifted, so I'm able to reconnect with lost friends and truly enjoy life. Sure, things are stressful since I'm graduating in two months without any idea as to where I'm going to live/what I'm going to do, but for the first time since I was 9, I am able to be present and enjoy today. Drama exists within my sphere of friendships, but I'm able to exist outside of it. I can maintain a fun-loving friendship without having to feel that everyone's problems are mine to fix.
Cody remains AWESOME and I'm not sure what I would do without him. He is always in my corner, through thick and thin, through right and wrong. I know I can always count on him for an honest opinion or a kind word. He's really unlike any other man I've met, and I feel eternally luck to have him.
Did I mention I had dinner with goddamned Angela Davis?!
I still haven't finished my research design; I keep freaking out and changing every little detail and I know Dr. Demary is concerned. But I don't turn in crap. I always meet deadlines and generally get good grades (except for statsssssss) so I know things will be fine. I like that this paper is making me think through all the tendrils of feminist thought, thus forcing me to grow as a scholar and a feminist. I just hope I get good marks!
That's really all for now. I wanted to finish my research design tonight but I think I'm getting sick and I just want to make love to my bed right now. Can someone else come and finish it for me? I'll give you hugs in return.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
It's been forever.
Wow. It's been over a month since I've last updated.
Oops!
So I've been tracking the development of the proposed Women's History Museum to be built on the mall in Washington D.C. Last week Meryl Streep donated $1 million of her own money to the planning committee, saying 'We must get this thing built.' The bill was proposed in Congress annnnnnnd: two assholes are blocking it. One is blocking it because he believes the tax payers would be unhappy with it (um...really? it's a museum, not 2 unnecessary wars), and the other one, Congressman DeMint from South Carolina is blocking it on a request from the ultra-conservative dumbass Concerned Women for America. Why do they oppose a museum that celebrates the history of WHO THEY ARE? Because, as their CEO Peggy Nance says, '[the museum] would focus on abortion rights without featuring any of the many contributions of the pro-life movement in America.'
Oh, ok.
I think I have a solution.
The museum can feature a section with a simulator in which museum-goers can experience the feeling of being in a family planning clinic that is being firebombed.
Maybe another one where people can stand in a simulated version of Dr. George Tiller's church lobby and watch him get shot to death. Ya know, in order to really understand the pro-life point that 'murdering innocent people is bad'.
UGHSHUTUPFOREVER.
ATTN: Congressmen Coburn and DeMint--LET WOMEN KNOW THEIR HISTORY.
Oops!
So I've been tracking the development of the proposed Women's History Museum to be built on the mall in Washington D.C. Last week Meryl Streep donated $1 million of her own money to the planning committee, saying 'We must get this thing built.' The bill was proposed in Congress annnnnnnd: two assholes are blocking it. One is blocking it because he believes the tax payers would be unhappy with it (um...really? it's a museum, not 2 unnecessary wars), and the other one, Congressman DeMint from South Carolina is blocking it on a request from the ultra-conservative dumbass Concerned Women for America. Why do they oppose a museum that celebrates the history of WHO THEY ARE? Because, as their CEO Peggy Nance says, '[the museum] would focus on abortion rights without featuring any of the many contributions of the pro-life movement in America.'
Oh, ok.
I think I have a solution.
The museum can feature a section with a simulator in which museum-goers can experience the feeling of being in a family planning clinic that is being firebombed.
Maybe another one where people can stand in a simulated version of Dr. George Tiller's church lobby and watch him get shot to death. Ya know, in order to really understand the pro-life point that 'murdering innocent people is bad'.
UGHSHUTUPFOREVER.
ATTN: Congressmen Coburn and DeMint--LET WOMEN KNOW THEIR HISTORY.
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